Are You a Realist or a Romantic?

Realists

Realists try to accept other people as they are, without insisting on improvement. They focus on making their relationships run smoothly and do not demand or crave fireworks. As a result, their romantic life tends to be stable and predictable, yet not particularly passionate or exciting.

Teddy is a realist. He grew up with a depressed, and emotionally withdrawn, and now looks for closeness and connection in his relationships with men. At the same time, his love affairs lack spontaneity and excitement. Emotional stability and sexual monotony eclipse experimentation and surprise.

But Teddy complains that his romantic relationships become dull. And he blames his boyfriend (Which was me) for their joyless, lackluster romantic experiences. What he doesn’t realize is how precious this stability is to him—even when it borders on boredom.

Romantics

By contrast, romantics value and pursue spontaneity and surprise. Some romantics are so afraid of boredom and repetition that they refuse to commit to one person. Me being a gay man in my fifties, prides myself on being an incorrigible romantic. My ideal partner is a charming intellectual with the body of a fitness model, and I refuses to settle for anybody less than my fantasy man.  Romantic love should not be sullied by bickering about household chores. Unfortunately, that perfect relationship remains a figment of my imagination and I struggle very bad with loneliness.

Reconciling reality and fantasy

People often realize it would be a good idea to keep one foot in reality and the other in romantic fantasy. But how do you do that?

Whether you are a romantic or a realist, it's tempting to look for a partner whose personal qualities complement your own.  However, the same traits that were attractive in the beginning: “he was so fun and romantic” or “he seemed so grounded and reliable” can become the source of tension and frustration as time goes on.

Teddy and myself both turned to therapy to make sense of this struggle. We were told to examine our roles in romantic encounters; roles often outside of our conscious awareness. As we explored our habitual--and often overlooked--ways of thinking about the romantic and realistic traits in ourselves and in each other, we were asked them to consider the following:

• Explore the romantic and realistic streaks in your personality both as gifts and potential limitations. For instance, idealizing your lover's beauty and cleverness can make a romantic relationship more exciting and less likely to become boring. However, you may be ignoring red flags, such as a partner's inability to make or keep commitments.
• There is always a tension between the need for routine and stability on the one hand, and desire for surprise and spontaneity on the other. The same romantic or realistic traits that are so attractive in a partner at the beginning of a relationship can become the most bothersome as time goes on. 
  
  And it must have become bothersome for him because he left. Left because he was afraid of losing himself instead of being there for me when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. He said he was mentally exhausted and tired. Then left me for the last time to deal with everything , in an empty house, where my brother dies, and is nothing bu silence and disturbing. But to think about it I was too, exhausted, when I helped with my sister when she was going through cancer for 4 years and eventually passed away. Ironically, my-ex husband left me during THAT time because I wasn't there for him emotionally or Physically (As he put it), while I was suffering from depression watching my sister slowly wither away. Not one time did he suggest I go for help. Wait, I take that back...he did. He said "Go see a fucking doctor!"
  
  Maybe it's about time I become a realist and realize that all gay men are nothing but PIGS!