How to Survive (and Win) a Gay Breakup

One: Don’t pick up the phone.

Here's a hot tip just for you: Breaking up with someone is not easy. It’s just not! Us gays, with our propensity for the dramatic, might wish that when a relationship ends we'd become Destiny's Child and emerge from the tear-stained sea, decked in camo, reborn strong and independent "Survivor"-style, but realistically you're going to be a complete fucking mess.

Human beings are predictable creatures. Some of us can shut out our emotions. Others become crying wrecks, locking themselves in their bedrooms, listening to Adele deep cuts (shoutout "Million Years Ago") and eating pints of Häagen-Dazs. Regardless, you're bound to fall into some of the well-worn trappings that are part and parcel of breakups.

All that said, here's how to avoid becoming another dumped-or-dumpee stereotype and alleviate that sniffly, unnecessary suffering when it becomes clear that the man of your dreams was just another person who didn't know how to wash the dishes properly (ugh), never took out the trash (who's the real trash here?), and always used the last of the milk (it was almond, it was expensive, and he never replaced it).

Don’t Pick Up the Phone  Put your phone down right now (or, if you're reading this on your phone, once you're done, please and thanks, appreciate your patronage). There's too much temptation to stalk an ex on social media, send needy text messages when you're feeling lonely and wanting, or answer a call from your ex that’s resulted in the two of you seeing each other, only for you to fall into bed and have sad and confusing breakup sex. So a little louder, for those in the back: PUT. DOWN. YOUR. PHONE.

His Friends Are Your Friends—Until They Aren’t

Given that we queers like to stick together, it's likely that you and your ex-boyfriend's circle of friends will integrate. Figuring out those friendships post-breakup is a pain in the ass. Likely, there'll be a custody battle. I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND!!!!!

If you're looking for a clean break and really don't want that shady thing you said about your ex getting back to him, it might be worth figuring out who's truly your friend from the mish-mashed mob. Either that or you could be bold and ghost the whole lot of them. Why not? It's your damn life. And that' exactly what I did.

Keep His Old Sweater

If it fits you and you like it, there's no reason not to keep it, full stop. Just because your relationship is over doesn't mean you need to give him back his sweater—unless he asks for it. Then it's just bad manners to keep it hostage, we suppose. Of course, if you've followed rule one and kept your phone at a distance, you might never know that he's asked for his sweater back. See? Continuity, my dear friends.

Have an Escape Plan (or Just...Be Aloof)

The worst thing has happened: You've gone out to a bar and your ex is making out with some horrible rando in the corner. How do you react? Do you plot an escape plan so that neither will spot you and avoid the tears, tantrums, and about 10 years' worth of embarrassment that'll play over and over in your mind for the next decade? (This, my friends, is how I have been known to act.)

Or do you remain aloof, soldiering through and exuding resilience? How about this: Stick around at the bar. If your ex sees you, that's fine; he might slink away embarrassed at this extreme case of PDA. Or perhaps the two of you might exchange pleasantries and you'll both get on with your night. In the words of Mary J. Blige, no more drama.

No, You Don’t Need to Eat Pray Love (Like, Please Don’t)

I've watched Ryan Murphy's adaptation of Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts, about six times this year (someone help me). But if there's one thing that film has taught me, it's that nobody EVER needs to eat-pray-love. They have monasteries, possibly beaches, and pasta close to home. Just eat alone, you carb slut.

Indulge in Some Sexual Sorbet

If you're a flagrant rule-breaker, you'll have picked up the phone because you can't help yourself (wow, so disappointing). Make it up to me, and use your cell phone to call someone...else. Get yourself a palate cleanser, a scoop of sexual sorbet of sorts. No, hear me out on this: Reaching out and dipping your toe back into the sexual waters could be exactly what's in order. Have a fling! Who doesn't love sorbet?

Be More Robyn Than Sam Smith

Failing all the above, I believe you can choose to live your life in two ways: You can either emulate Sam Smith, lamenting loves lost with sentimentality, or you can choose to be like Robyn. Robyn takes her broken heart, shoves on some ginormous glittery shoes, writes a banging pop song, fires up the laser lights, and dances through her pain. So when the sadness comes knocking, you might be all on your own. But isn't it better to be dancing and on your own?